Do Over
I was asked what turning 50 means to me. Up to that moment, I hadn't given it much thought. Yes, there are the obvious signs- sagging butt, sore knees, gray hair and the AARP invitation- but somehow it didn't seem to mean anything much more than another day to me. The most likely reason for my nonchalance is that if I did think about it I'd be in bed, under the covers with a pillow over my head.
What I do know is that 50 is my opportunity for a do-over or better said- a new beginning. A do-over implies I want to do it again. Nope. I have no desire to look back. Its done. 50 is the beginning of something new. It's my excuse to say no when I want to. As in, "Can you pay the bills tonight while I watch the ballgame?" "No", is what I'll say, "I'm going to yoga class." Now- in truth, I've been practicing this for years. Ever since our oldest child moved out, I've been testing the waters with great success. I got a good full time job that I like. I bought a car with a sun roof so the winters will not seem so bleak. I don't cook much anymore (which is probably just as well for everyone concerned). And that is just one small part of what it means to me.
Turning 50 isn't like walking through a doorway. It's been a gradual thing- like walking through a passage.
Turning 50 is about making connections with others. The past 25 years have been devoted to the connection of family. That is not diminished- that devotion. What has grown is the knowledge of connection to others- to everyone. There is a growing compassion and a fullness in my heart for all around me.
Turning 50 has another side. It's about aging and death and loss. But isn't that why I'm here? To experience all of that too? This is all said with the confidence of someone who hasn't had too many curve balls in life. I've had losses- parents...a brother- but i'm essentially healthy, my kids are safe, I have a home, a husband and a job. Things a pretty stable. I can enjoy the luxury of musing about what being a 50 year old woman means to me. And I realize how lucky I really am. I AM turning 50. I made it this far, and there's plenty of gas left in the tank. Not too bad, huh?
What I do know is that 50 is my opportunity for a do-over or better said- a new beginning. A do-over implies I want to do it again. Nope. I have no desire to look back. Its done. 50 is the beginning of something new. It's my excuse to say no when I want to. As in, "Can you pay the bills tonight while I watch the ballgame?" "No", is what I'll say, "I'm going to yoga class." Now- in truth, I've been practicing this for years. Ever since our oldest child moved out, I've been testing the waters with great success. I got a good full time job that I like. I bought a car with a sun roof so the winters will not seem so bleak. I don't cook much anymore (which is probably just as well for everyone concerned). And that is just one small part of what it means to me.
Turning 50 isn't like walking through a doorway. It's been a gradual thing- like walking through a passage.
Turning 50 is about making connections with others. The past 25 years have been devoted to the connection of family. That is not diminished- that devotion. What has grown is the knowledge of connection to others- to everyone. There is a growing compassion and a fullness in my heart for all around me.
Turning 50 has another side. It's about aging and death and loss. But isn't that why I'm here? To experience all of that too? This is all said with the confidence of someone who hasn't had too many curve balls in life. I've had losses- parents...a brother- but i'm essentially healthy, my kids are safe, I have a home, a husband and a job. Things a pretty stable. I can enjoy the luxury of musing about what being a 50 year old woman means to me. And I realize how lucky I really am. I AM turning 50. I made it this far, and there's plenty of gas left in the tank. Not too bad, huh?
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